Topeka, KS - High school sophomore Brett Tyson was suspended today after
teachers learned he may be using PHP.
"A teacher overheard him say that he was using PHP, and as part of our
Zero-Tolerance policy against drug use, he was immediately suspended. No questions
asked," said Principal Clyde Thurlow. "We're not quite sure what PHP is, but we
suspect it may be a derivative of PCP, or maybe a new
designer drug like GHB."
Parents are frightened by the discovery of this new menace in
their children's school, and are demanding the school do
something. "We heard that he found out about PHP at school on the internet. There
may even be a PHP web ring operating on school grounds," said irate parent Carol
Blessing. "School is supposed to be teaching our kids how to read and write. Not
about dangerous drugs like PHP."
In response to parental demands the school has reconfigured its internet WatchDog
software to block access to all internet sites mentioning PHP. Officials say this should
prevent any other students from falling prey like Brett Tyson did. They have also
stepped up locker searches and brought in drug sniffing dogs.
Interviews with students suggested that PHP use is wide spread around the school, but
is particularly concentrated in the geeky nerd population. When contacted by
BBspot.com, Brett Tyson said, "I don't know what the hell is going on dude, but this
suspension gives me more time for fraggin'. Yee haw!"
PHP is a hypertext preprocessor, which sounds very dangerous. It is believed that
many users started by using Perl and moved on to the more powerful PHP. For more
information on how to recognize if your child may be using PHP please visit
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